Well, it is 1.55am in the morning, I can't sleep - what is new ! Therefore an ideal time to get this blog updated and my thoughts down on paper. So much has happened emotionally etc, normally highly emotional times are just before my Birthday in August but this year it is very much earlier. Now where to start, weight I suppose. Well, there have been some in roads in that department. As I have weighed in twice at WW and not reported it, this is a good place to start.
Went to WW on 26/3/10 - my leader advised me that I was again due for a gain as my period was due (we track it on my card) and of course a bloody gain, drives me crazy and to be honest the road to weight loss has done my head in of late. I left the meeting quite despondent, I felt that I was on a treadmill and getting no where. So I tracked with the view to getting my leader to review my food intake and to make a big big effort to eat between meals - therefore eat more.
Anyway, I had to weigh in a day early as my weigh in day coincides with Good Friday - my period did not arrive until the weigh in day on the Thursday before Easter - therefore a week late and so I reluctantly went thinking bloody hell there is no way I will loose, my leader checked my tracker and it was an honest account, we discussed what I had done differently this week and really had made an effort to stop at 4.45pm and eat a snack.
My view on this was as hard as it is, it is like when you first start a weight loss program and initially have to eat breakfast, it is hard at first and then after a while you look forward to breakfast, same thing with my 4.45pm snack. I allocated this time because I leave work essentially around 5ish and then go to the gym most days during the week after work and it is adding some fuel to the body.
Anyway, got on those scales and a 1kg loss. So Martine ate more and lost ! Go figure, I know all the reasons why we need to eat regularly etc but really it does my head in, you would think less calories/points would equal more weight loss. I suppose a car doesn't run with no fuel in it. That weight loss gave me a little focus in that I had changed the routine and it worked. It is a long long journey that I am on, my leader though commented that I hadn't given up and was working towards what I wanted to achieve (69 kgs by the time I turn 50 - I am 47 this year).
I suppose I looked at it, that essentially the 26/3/10 weigh in had me at that fork in the road - one road was give up and just focus on the gym and try and maintain the weight - we know that isn't going to happen - or go the other road and keep up the fight. I choose to keep up the fight. I weigh in on Friday - this is the first weigh in after Easter - so will see, I think overall I was pretty good.
Well, I have started to get hot flushes, emotionally this has upset me - my view with menopause is the sooner it starts, the sooner it finishes.
With it carries a heavy heart, with menopause starting I now know that I will never have children. As someone that is so maternal and something I have desired my whole life, it is something I have to deal with. I still get upset seeing babies in pushes and fight back tears - but I am an aunt to 6 great people so I need to focus on that.
There is a bit of the woe is me - why didnt marriage and kids happen to me but that is the way the cards have been dealt, I just have to deal with it, saying that, my girlfriends are dealing with teenagers and that is horrible - lucky I don't have to deal with that and remind myself when they ring me upset.
(friend with benefits and more)
I have wanted committment, to be seen as a couple and as I am very social for him to attend some of my social functions - I know I mean a lot to him - after he sends a dozen expensively gift boxed roses for Valentines Day - what does that mean ? He does send flowers, so if I had received say lillies I wouldn't have thought anything but am I wrong in thinking red roses boxed is something else. Anyway, I had arranged for him to come to dinner with my friend and her overseas partner who was in Adelaide a while - it was arranged but no word from him on the day - I went by myself anyway the long and short of it is - I emailed him on 22/3/10 for his birthday - got a response etc but I haven't seen him or heard from him for quite a while, we speak every few days.
He has done what I wanted to do, break it off so that I can open the universe up to someone that wants to be with me in a committed relationship, for whatever reason it has naturally done it by itself. I am suprised how heart broken I am but am lucky my girlfriends have come to the party in their support and even though they are all busy with their partners have gone out their way to make time for me. One friend who I love for her honesty Jo J (one of the 5 friends I have called Jo) says maybe this is the universe pulling me in the direction I need to go - I do find comfort in that and agree. I know this is for the best, I know that but it is hard.
Of course if there is something I really want to go to, I am happy to give up the gym but if just for a normal coffee then they can fit around me. I feel it is time to put myself first. A trainer at the gym that has been really good is leaving, I was lucky over Easter to meet a new trainer Ben - he is lovely and we had a chat. I am going to book in shortly for him to review my program and he is going to put me through my paces, he comes up to me now when I am doing cardio to check how much I can talk, if I talk too much I am not pushing myself. Of course I am increasing my levels etc but he wants me to focus on the distance - so doing that. I must admit I love the gym, it relaxes me and keeps me occupied (more to the point my mind busy).
I measured myself and although my meaurements have decreased overall I have lost 6 cm of each leg since November 2009 - that is great. I am pleased I am in the routine of it all, when Ben the trainer heard how little I slept he was impressed I still come.