About Me

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Adelaide , South Australia, Australia
I am 49 and heading for 50. This is about me, the highs and lows and a lot of stuff re weight loss, so follow me and see wha I am up to !!

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Thursday, April 8, 2010

This is what has happened !

Well, it is 1.55am in the morning, I can't sleep - what is new ! Therefore an ideal time to get this blog updated and my thoughts down on paper. So much has happened emotionally etc, normally highly emotional times are just before my Birthday in August but this year it is very much earlier. Now where to start, weight I suppose. Well, there have been some in roads in that department. As I have weighed in twice at WW and not reported it, this is a good place to start.
Weight Watchers
Went to WW on 26/3/10 - my leader advised me that I was again due for a gain as my period was due (we track it on my card) and of course a bloody gain, drives me crazy and to be honest the road to weight loss has done my head in of late. I left the meeting quite despondent, I felt that I was on a treadmill and getting no where. So I tracked with the view to getting my leader to review my food intake and to make a big big effort to eat between meals - therefore eat more.
Anyway, I had to weigh in a day early as my weigh in day coincides with Good Friday - my period did not arrive until the weigh in day on the Thursday before Easter - therefore a week late and so I reluctantly went thinking bloody hell there is no way I will loose, my leader checked my tracker and it was an honest account, we discussed what I had done differently this week and really had made an effort to stop at 4.45pm and eat a snack.
My view on this was as hard as it is, it is like when you first start a weight loss program and initially have to eat breakfast, it is hard at first and then after a while you look forward to breakfast, same thing with my 4.45pm snack. I allocated this time because I leave work essentially around 5ish and then go to the gym most days during the week after work and it is adding some fuel to the body.
Anyway, got on those scales and a 1kg loss. So Martine ate more and lost ! Go figure, I know all the reasons why we need to eat regularly etc but really it does my head in, you would think less calories/points would equal more weight loss. I suppose a car doesn't run with no fuel in it. That weight loss gave me a little focus in that I had changed the routine and it worked. It is a long long journey that I am on, my leader though commented that I hadn't given up and was working towards what I wanted to achieve (69 kgs by the time I turn 50 - I am 47 this year).
I suppose I looked at it, that essentially the 26/3/10 weigh in had me at that fork in the road - one road was give up and just focus on the gym and try and maintain the weight - we know that isn't going to happen - or go the other road and keep up the fight. I choose to keep up the fight. I weigh in on Friday - this is the first weigh in after Easter - so will see, I think overall I was pretty good.
Well, I have started to get hot flushes, emotionally this has upset me - my view with menopause is the sooner it starts, the sooner it finishes.
With it carries a heavy heart, with menopause starting I now know that I will never have children. As someone that is so maternal and something I have desired my whole life, it is something I have to deal with. I still get upset seeing babies in pushes and fight back tears - but I am an aunt to 6 great people so I need to focus on that.
There is a bit of the woe is me - why didnt marriage and kids happen to me but that is the way the cards have been dealt, I just have to deal with it, saying that, my girlfriends are dealing with teenagers and that is horrible - lucky I don't have to deal with that and remind myself when they ring me upset.
(friend with benefits and more)
This part of my life as caused me so much grief since about November last year. Quick overview - friends with benefits (he is committment phobic) we are very close, get on very well and are more than friends with benefits - it is a term we place on it so he is not rattled by the word relationship. It is a strange one, he has been my rock for 14 years.
I have wanted committment, to be seen as a couple and as I am very social for him to attend some of my social functions - I know I mean a lot to him - after he sends a dozen expensively gift boxed roses for Valentines Day - what does that mean ? He does send flowers, so if I had received say lillies I wouldn't have thought anything but am I wrong in thinking red roses boxed is something else. Anyway, I had arranged for him to come to dinner with my friend and her overseas partner who was in Adelaide a while - it was arranged but no word from him on the day - I went by myself anyway the long and short of it is - I emailed him on 22/3/10 for his birthday - got a response etc but I haven't seen him or heard from him for quite a while, we speak every few days.
He has done what I wanted to do, break it off so that I can open the universe up to someone that wants to be with me in a committed relationship, for whatever reason it has naturally done it by itself. I am suprised how heart broken I am but am lucky my girlfriends have come to the party in their support and even though they are all busy with their partners have gone out their way to make time for me. One friend who I love for her honesty Jo J (one of the 5 friends I have called Jo) says maybe this is the universe pulling me in the direction I need to go - I do find comfort in that and agree. I know this is for the best, I know that but it is hard.
The gym is going well, it has been my saviour when things aren't going well - it helps me to fight off the depression I suffer from occasionally. I now look forward to going and am starting to get selfish with it. You see, I have always been the single one and have fitted in with friends only too willlingly around their kids and husband and normally we catch up during the week which suits them but I am now unless it is exceptional circumstances or people that I will never refuse (like Tania my diet buddy who when I see her am always inspired and just good company) I say I go to the gym, you can meet me for a coffee after (if coffee is what we are doing) or push them to meet me on the weekend.
Of course if there is something I really want to go to, I am happy to give up the gym but if just for a normal coffee then they can fit around me. I feel it is time to put myself first. A trainer at the gym that has been really good is leaving, I was lucky over Easter to meet a new trainer Ben - he is lovely and we had a chat. I am going to book in shortly for him to review my program and he is going to put me through my paces, he comes up to me now when I am doing cardio to check how much I can talk, if I talk too much I am not pushing myself. Of course I am increasing my levels etc but he wants me to focus on the distance - so doing that. I must admit I love the gym, it relaxes me and keeps me occupied (more to the point my mind busy).
I measured myself and although my meaurements have decreased overall I have lost 6 cm of each leg since November 2009 - that is great. I am pleased I am in the routine of it all, when Ben the trainer heard how little I slept he was impressed I still come.
Well Easter has been and gone (thank god) and I was good, had a breakfast on and a lunch on the Monday, it was quiet and did mope around home a bit too much but managed to get to the gym. Life is about to become exciting, have this feeling that all this emotional stuff is for a reason.
Martine xxx


Anonymous said...

Hi Martine,

Just wanted to drop by, I read your blog regularly, but don't often comment.

Sounds like you have had an emotional few weeks, but you must be so proud that that kept eating well and going to the gym.

Take care,


Deb said...

You sound like a strong woman who tries hard to turn negatives into positives. It must feel good to have written all of that - I think these blogs are so good for us.
Keep going - the kg are dropping!

GaeChann said...

A big (((HUG))) to you to help you through this difficult time.
I have a lovely girlfriend that didn't marry nor have children but she is a special Aunty to many, many children who all love her to bits!
Whilst it must hurt to let go of your friend with benefits, I'm sure that you're right about it - this opens up the possibility for someone else to come into your life!
Great to hear how well you're doing at the gym! Keep it all up and the weight will move down for you for sure!
Best wishes - Gae oxoxo

Chris H said...

I am sure your time is coming Chick! {{{HUGS}}}

Trish said...

Hi Martine

I think the world is telling you to put yourself FIRST.

You seem to be so generous and I would think you always do for other before you do for yourself.

I am glad to hear that you are making positives and that you chose the road to better health.

Onset of menopause, especially the hot flushes sucks big time