About Me

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Adelaide , South Australia, Australia
I am 49 and heading for 50. This is about me, the highs and lows and a lot of stuff re weight loss, so follow me and see wha I am up to !!

The wonderful people that follow and support me !

Saturday, April 24, 2010

1.9 and a problem solved

Well after the fiasco of last week and the bloody (could use a stronger word here !) gain of 2.2 I had focused on the week with all I had, of course with the back situation exercise was out of the equation but saying that my home scales had shown a good loss.
I went to my weigh in, full of trepidation. My leader Di who had a been away last week saw my card and quizzed the girls on how I had gone. So on Friday explained the situation and my non scale victories of not eating when emotional which is a huge thing. Anyway, I asked her if I could immediately get on the scales and low and behold 1.9 loss. It turns out she had the answer to my question, another reason why WW lifestyle works so well for me. The anti-inflammatories I had been taking for my back had obviously had an effect, I didnt think of that. The loss is without exercise and I was estatic.
I still cant get to 4 losses in a row, but I am damn well going to try. My leader and I had a great discussion and I told her that not going to WW is not an option for me, I want to get to goal through the WW Lifestyle Centres and I am damn well going to do it hell or high water. Somehow the stress of the last week has turned from sorrow to focus and determination. I think my leader was impressed that I had told her quitting is not an option and I really mean it.
One of the major things that has happened with this weight loss journey and more importantly the gym is that i have now reduced my anti-depressant medication to a point where I don't need it. Exercise has done the job. My parents are down and somehow this was mentioned, my mother said " I am very very proud of you, you have done what I can't do" - that meant so much but more the point is that I did this myself.
I have just come home from a 70th birthday party with my parents, all finger food and probably ate a bit more than I should but only had yoghurt for lunch so I think my points are pretty safe for the day.
So Friday, my boss tells me that I can leave early, so finished up at 1pm but I did have to go to the physio and then WW and then coupled with a great great loss for me things are looking up. I am focusing on just getting my 10% which is a bit of a way of but achievable.
Overall, I am feeling pretty good about myself in that I have kept focus despite the universe throwing things my way.

Thursday, April 22, 2010

Weigh in tomorrow

Just a quick post. This week has seen me track, track and track. Obviously those on WW know the importance of tracking but I am trying to ascertain why I gained so much last week. This week the scales have kept going down and so far this week a loss of 2.3 (but there is a difference in weighing in the morning compared to evening) but even so I am very happy. I don't know why though that it was such a large gain, obviously the body was reacting to the major stress I had in my life. Mum and Dad arrive today so that will be nice to have some company. Off to the physio tomorrow and I am hoping everything goes okay and back to the gym which I have missed as I want to focus on my interval training in earnest. Despite all the dramas of a few weeks ago, I am proud of how I am mentally handling things, have been pro-active in getting out and making the first call about a lunch etc with the girls. I suppose I need to acknowledge to myself that despite what is said and done I have managed to keep focused on my gym and food intake despite being emotionally overwrought and perservering with WW despite the lack of progress on the scales. I think I am in a really good spot at present.

Tuesday, April 20, 2010

The scales are moving (thank god) !

Well, not a lot to report, but it is nice to sit down whilst the office is quiet and put my thoughts down, it is therapeutic to write on this blog. Yesterday was another good eating day, although I didnt eat enough for dinner and was starving, so just tried to focus on something else. Got on the scales this morning and they are certainly moving in a downwards movement, so pleased to say that this week (as at today) 2.3 lost, although I do weight at 5.2opm on a Friday so the weighing has helped me keep on track, it gives me food for thought that the stupid gain of last week is perhaps fluid after all. I am focusing on keeping my food, water and tracking 100% perfect, the exercise hasn't happened because of the back which is still a bit tender but hoping to get to the gym tonight. Work is busy which is good. Emotionally I am quite chuffed with myself, last week as you and the whole world knows was an absolute shocker in all aspects, I coped with it reasonably well (despite the scales saying otherwise) and as at today am focusing on me and just trying not to let the things I can't control upset me. My parents arrive on Friday, so that will be good. Tonight going to have an omelette for dinner, something easy and a bit of salad, want to make a Risotto for the freezer as those freezer meals are handy when I have a double session at the gym (that is both cardio and weights). After talking to Kazz on the weekend, I am definitely going to get a heart rate monitor. I think it is going to be beneficial in monitoring how many calories I burn and monitoring my heart rate and seeing how much I am improving. I certainly need a new pair of runner for the gym, but that is all money so will do that when I have some. Anyway, have a lovely day, hopefully everyone is doing well and if they aren't, remember your are not alone ! Martine xx

Monday, April 19, 2010

Doing well

Above is a photo taken on Saturday night with the WW girls, all of which basically have meet online. Front row: Me, Dee (Dazeydee), Tina Back row: Sharon, Tania, Jo and Kazz
The weekend was good, eating spot on and got on the scales this morning and dropped 1.6 kgs, so here is hoping the rest of the week continues the same way, although I weight at night, the weighing at home gives me an indication of how I am going. I am not going to the gym tonight, I want to make sure my back is okay, it still feels tight and I think I don't want to risk hurting it. Hopefully tomorrow after physio I get the all clear. Have a sense of clarity today, got into work and got an email from 2 darling friends, one the best friend with an invite from her husband to come over Friday night for a drink and watch the footy and second from the partner of a friend who lives in the USA. The USA friend gave me some words of wisdom and reinforced why my decision to walk from Michael is the best for me. I certainly am going to try and just focus on me at present. I am determined to have a good weight loss this week, after all, if I stick to it to the letter then there has to be a loss. I had someone comment on my loss this week, although the scales don't reflect my good work I do think I am changing shape. Anyway, not a lot happening really to report about. I suppose going out on Saturday night and seeing others having problems makes me realise I am not alone, one girl who wasn't in the photo had perservered for 12 months so I think I am perhaps too hard on myself. Others have left WW to go their own way and very very successfully, for me I know this is the path I need to go down but am now conscious of nutrition and trying to have clean food and nothing with too much sodium in it. I have brought some lovely paper to print my food trackers on, I am going to keep them in a folder, when I am struggling I can have the same food from a tracker whereby I have had a good loss. Hope everyone else is doing okay. Take care martine xxx

Sunday, April 18, 2010

Feeling a lot better

Since my dinner with the WW girls last night I am feeling somewhat better. My back has much improved and my foot is not too bad so back to the gym tomorrow night, Yay I have missed it.

I am doing housework and cooking today, doing the dishes and I have accidently washed my relatively new WW points calculator, so that isn't good. Vince the wonderdog is a sleep and I am sitting down to put in my tracker my food for the day and work out a rough menu for this week.

Just being with some great powerful women last night helped, a few of them were struggling themselves so it was a great benefit, others (Kazz I am talking about you) are really in the groove and doing well, I got the benefit of her wisdom and was told "We are not defined by the scales". I do know my meaurements have gone down, it all has to catch up at some point.
Day 2 today, I have printed off my food menus for Di my leader to view, I won't lose that 2.2 kgs I gained but onwards and upwards. Giving up is not on the agenda.
Mum and Dad arrive on the weekend so that is going to be nice, hopefully my beautiful Dad will paint the lounge room. Watched the first half of biggest loser, just sobbed. I always do.
So who will win the finale - my hopes are on Shannon, Joe or Lisa. I would love Lisa to win becuase she is female but my heart is with Shannon, for a person on day 1 that couldn't walk hardly at all, it is an acomplishment that he is so happy. Although Biggest Loser is in a controlled environment we can still learn that with effort our exercise can increase, how mentally we are happy and stronger with the weight off.
One day at a time, that is all I can do. Must go and do that bloody ironing, it is not going to do itself. Martine xxx

Saturday, April 17, 2010

Just come home from a lovely dinner

I have just come home from a lovely dinner with the Weight Watchers girls. All at various stages, some left WW and doing their own thing much more successfully, others at goal and 1 a leader and others struggling a bit like me, so I feel much more in control. It was a lovely night and we chatted and just enjoyed each other's company.
I came home feeling much better and like the others, at least I am trying and not giving up on the whole WW thing.
Had a great meal, ordered steak as I don't cook it at home much myself, planned and tracked and included 2 glasses of my favourite expensive wine "Rockford Alicante Bouchet" and dead on 23 points, quite easy.
Various opinions on my weight gain - the emotional stress, fluid etc but I am now fine with it.
Tomorrow will try and go for a walk or back at the gym but want to see how my back is, it has improved today but still tender so Vince the wonderdog may just get a walk.
In the PJ's and about to put my food in the tracker and off to bed. Feel much better for having such lovely ladies in my life, the power of friendship is a great thing.
Tomorrow now the back is improved must get into the housework. I am aiming as well for 3 mornings next week to go to the gym before work, I hate mornings but can do this.
Report in tomorrow.

It is official, this was the worst week ever

Well, as you know this week has been a shocker, just went I thought the worst of it was over, there you go -another lot of stuff for me to deal with. Went to WW and had a good week, was full of praise for myself that I didnt eat through the crisis. The scales weren't so full of praise. A GAIN OF 2.2 KG..................(Insert swear word here!). There you go.......... I have made no progress now for a while with WW, ideally the answer is to walk, but I am determined to focus on what WW brings to my world, I do believe in the program and like the one on one aspect I get from WW Lifestyle programs. So, it is bloody well on, I am going to live and breathe exercise for the next 3 months and if I can't shift at least 6 kilos then I am walking...... Plus my brother and sister in law, invited all the family (mine live interstate) out for Nephew's birthday, so that is her family and I wasn't invited, the only one not to attend, was devastated so had to go up this morning when I know they all went back to my brother's place after dinner out to celebrate. Okay, so it has been a shocker of a week, I am very fragile and going out with the WW girls from Adelaide, all of which have had huge losses. I have to sit there and deal with it. Now, I can do this, just becuase it is a tough week, I can't have a defeatist attitude...... I will report in tomorrow, just wanted to keep you appraised of the situation. Okay so I haven't made progress with the weight department, time to put 250% in and if I can't manage to lose putting my heart and soul, more than I already do, maybe I am destined for this weight. The joys of it all....

Thursday, April 15, 2010

I felt like I was in the movie Casablanca

Well ladies, had the "chat" last night. Was so psyched yesterday when I had lunch with best friend Jo, got home and thought "oh dear", I just felt so sad. Anyway, Michael arrives looking so lovely and so upset, honestly !!!. I ended up writing what I must say was an outstandingly fabulous letter and heartfelt. It said what I couldn't say, he read it, said he understood and we both had tears in his eyes, I am a crier, I like to cry and am good at it, with Michael he normally doesn't. That said it all. We talked for a while, he tried to explain to me why he can't commit which has nothing to do with the feelings he has for me, that when he is in a relationship that has commitment he is basically sweating, anxious and nervous like a first date. I am sure there is a psychological component to it.
I didn't want to walk, I found it hard and for once in my life I do need to focus on me. He was lovely, he wishes it was different but understood. My fear was and is that the friendship would be terminated. Obviously I can't see him for the near future but the hope is that we can go to our favorite dinner every few months for a catch up, on neutral ground. Going separate ways is not because we argue, so i found it heartbreakingly sad.
I am lucky my friends have just been outstanding and online friends who I am just so so touched bothered to email me at home, words can't express how deeply I appreciate that. We hugged, he looked at me and I looked at him and the attraction was there, he said good bye so I walked him to the car, gave him a kiss and we stared at each other, it reminded me of the end of Casablanca.
Today I just feel sad, I know that this is right for me and time is the only thing that is going to help.
With the eating, now this is an occasion to binge eat, I didnt but ate some crackers and peanut butter instead of dinner so that was the extent of it. Pretty amazing stuff considering I am so upset.
I suppose it is my turn to focus on me.
Weigh in tomorrow night, I am sure I will gain, I don't feel I have lost as I haven't exercised but one thing I have learned is that you can never tell. Went to the physio for treatment for my back, a great big blonde spunk was my physio, he asked me to take of my shirt, I was mortified. Anyway, he worked his magic and it bloody hurt and I am now taped up with exercises to do, plus I need to see him on Tuesday. The back is sore and haven't been able to exercise. Anyway, will report after my weigh in tomorrow - who knows that will happen. I am hoping that after all this emotional stuff that things get better, I sent my mother some flowers today as she has been wonderful through the Michael thing, she rang this morning crying - so that is just nice. I think you need to tell people how much you care and I do that. Anyway, have fun with what you are doing. I am up to the shops tonight to find an exciting present for nephew Oliver who is aged 7 !!! Martine xxxx

Wednesday, April 14, 2010

Today is the day for the "chat"

Well it is Wednesday - hump day ! My back is still sore and driving me crazy, all from picking a towel off the floor. Goes in and out at a touch of a hat, so probably need to go off to the physio tomorrow. For the first time in a long while, woke in the middle of the night and ate - I am normally awake due to the insomnia but got into the cheese and crackers ! Obviously I have Michael on my mind and ate. Today is the day that I have my "chat" with Michael, it is with a great deal of sadness I do this as at the end of the day we get on fabulously and it is not because we don't get on or we are arguing a lot - it simply he is phobic (yes phobic !) about commitment. The letter is done and I need to tweak it a bit today, I may even just give him the letter to read instead of speaking. I am an emotional person really, but am quite calm about all of this. I suppose I think it is the universe pulling me in another direction and as I know this is what I am to do in order to meet someone else then I suppose I do feel a weight has been lifted off my mind. As the back has been sore I haven't been to the gym, I have missed it. Next week i am going to try the interval training program on the cross trainer and treadmill. I think for my birthday I may ask for a Polar Heart Rate Monitor. Anyway, not much else to report. Food this week has been so so - not particularly bad but I could improve. Anyway, will report in tomorrow.
Martine xxx

Monday, April 12, 2010

The fun keeps coming !

Well Monday morning again, where did that weekend go. When things are not the best it seems like you are a magnet for bad stuff happening. Sunday was going out to lunch with a friend, was drying my hair and picked up a towel of the floor and have done my back in, I am currently walking at an angle, I can sit okay but when I stand it is difficult - just bloody brilliant, so nothing got done Sunday afternoon, had big plans for cooking and freezing stuff and making a new couscous recipe for lunch this week. Oh well ! Whilst laying on the lounge and watching Susan Boyle who I absolutely adore as she reminds me what is wrong with the world, the fact people judge you by what you look like and not what you are like inside, anyway enough of Susan Boyle, I could chat for hours about her. Anyway, the phone rings, it is Michael all very quiet and had a chat, he rang to see if I had made a decision (ie continue the way it is or I leave because I need commitment). You see, I am probably the worlds most patient person with things like this, he asked if I wanted to talk about it now (he asked me last Thursday to think about it for a week). I was a bit miffed - I replied no - I will do it when I am ready plus I won't do it on the phone, did tell him about the back. The long and short of it is I am chatting with him on Wednesday to advise I need to walk - it is so sad when we both obviously care for each other and not parting because we don't get on - just his phobia about committment. Anyway, Wednesday is the day and I intend on writing a letter to him, there are some things I will forget to say. I believe this is a hard thing for me but if I need to move forward, then I need to do this. It is interesting on people's perception of things - most if not nearly all of my friends have been supporting and have agreed, I had a friend yesterday say it isn't it better to have someone you see occasionally than no one !! NO I DESERVE BETTER!!! That would make me a door mat. The eating on the weekend was so so and so really I plan to focus this week. Brought a couple of packets of bar things (nut bars etc) and ate both of them on Saturday night. This is something that I really need to work on, being able to control foods in the house. I won't be at the gym tonight but hopefully the back is better tomorrow so I can go, as Wednesday I obviously will not be going. Anyway, life has been interesting, I sincerely believe this is the beginning of good things, at WW on Friday night they commented on how stylish etc I looked. I must admit to taking extreme care of my appearance, being larger I think personally I try that little bit harder, so thought yes I need to keep feeling good about myself when Michael isn't around, so today have some great fishnet tights on with my work suit, a beautiful bright lipstick and immaculate hair. Anyway, so the emotions keep coming but this is good, this is the next stage in my life and I am so damn proud of myself, I know that this is hard but it is how you deal with it that shows your strength as a person. The same thing with Weight Watchers, anyone else would have given up a while ago as it was too hard- I am facing my fear. I am lucky I have a few things organised in the next week or so to keep my mind and sorrow over Michael at bay. Friday night is nephew Oliver the wonderful's 7th birthday, Saturday is dinner at the British Hotel with the Weight Watchers Adelaide girls, the following weekend Mum and Dad are down and the weekend after another batch of WW girls (Kazz, Tania and Tina) for lunch and a walk. Thanks to everyone that has supported me, I love the fact that I have these powerful and compassionate women that write and comment on my blog when in fact they are strangers but aren't. I do love you all. So the focus in 14/8/10 - Mum's 70th, I plan to lost 6kgs by then and look dynamic when i go home - man or no man.

Saturday, April 10, 2010

I am home on Saturday cleaning the kitchen !

The title says it all, here I am at home on a Saturday night, drinking a bottle of water, having eaten a pita bread pizza I made and cleaning the kitchen - how bloody exciting ! Well, the good news is even doing this I am not feeling too bad, I am reminding myself this is the start of a new phase of my life. You know when things are bad, you know who in your life counts. The absolutely joy of girlfriends is something I just treasure, they have come to the party, supporting me, listened to me and given advice. Today was busier than expected, didnt get the gym at 7am, couldn't sleep last night so was awake till the early hours, so slept in. Went to the library for a supply of books to read, up to Marion Shopping Centre for a pair of jeans - luckily found a pair at My Size and a straight leg cut which now suits more than the bootleg (maybe it is the 6 cm of each leg lost that does it !) Brought some hair gadgets (clips etc) and home for a sleep and then got my groceries, which I just cringe about how expensive everything is. Mum rang tonight, finally we have been able to chat about the Michael thing, at times she can be downright tactless but when the chips are down she is a superstar and so I told her the whole sorry saga and then got a little email saying she enjoyed our talk. Tomorrow have a lunch at the Robin Hood Hotel with Joey, so that will be nice to get out. Then home to make a couscous, lemon and chicken salad for work, hopefully the WW recipe is delicious and will post it on the website tomorrow night. Not a lot to say, it looks like the gym is not going to happen tomorrow but in reality I am doing well in that department. I have been told to put myself first, and plan to do that. I haven't turned to food and that is just great and an achievement in itself. May just get out a bathbomb and have a nice relaxing bath and listen to a CD or two. Martine xx

Eat more - lose more !

Well, since the last post things in my world haven't got better - well somewhat.
Yesterday I had my weigh in, sometimes when I go - even though I have had a good week that doesn't always reflect on the scales, glad to report that I lost 600grams and during Easter mind you ! I know Easter and Christmas are times when you are almost guaranteed to gain. Despite the emotions of the week and Easter I secured a loss.
It has been an interesting week, I have consciously tried to eat more, initially at 4.45pm each day - although there was a couple of days I simply forgot to eat. It has become easier but what is really fascinating is that now mid morning I am feeling like a snack, this has never happened before. My lovely leader believes this is because my metabolism is working.
So the focus is really on for 4 losses in a row. Next week my leader is away so have a leader I have had before who is great, the aim is to have a good loss next week and when Di is back the week after have another loss and that is 4 losses in a row and finally I can buy my Lorna Jane Gym bag.
I can feel the confidence building, I think with Easter I allocated myself an Easter Egg and tracked that, some hot cross buns and going out - I didn't feel deprived and I suppose that says it all.
Well the friends with benefits situation (as per last post) came to a head Thursday. Now Thursday was one of those days, work was manic and I am still trying to finish end of month and BAS stuff plus deal with people that are not coping with their separations (I work for a solicitor that does family law), trying to deal with Mum and organising Dad's 70th and being told what to do, not being asked and being rail roaded to going to Melbourne on 11/6/10 for the long weekend and trying to book a flight that is cheap. Came home after a very very short session at the gym in not the happiest of moods, the house is a mess as I was just not into it and there is a knock on the door - Michael ! We had an emotional chat - he has said a few things which basically in a few words is that he cant give me what I want, nothing to do with the feelings he has and there is a man fighting back tear - I just shake my head. Anyway, the situation is that he wants me to have time to think about things, he thinks he holds me back from finding that special someone, it is all quite complicated really. Long and Short of it is he is right, I know he is right. Last night saw me ringing my beautiful girlfriends and just sobbing - Thursday night I knew what I had to do (that is walk) but couldn't do it.
Friday the day seemed emotional, few trips to the toilet, having a cry etc. One of the 4 Jo's emailed me and just said what I needed to hear, at 4pm I knew I had to walk and am happy with that, after all I want marriage and a relationship with committment, nothing wrong with that. This was reinforced with another of the 4 jo's (best friend Jo) and her husband Ron, having a deep and meaningful over a few glasses of Malborough Savingnon Blanc, really New Zealand does a mean Savingnon Blanc and felt quite calm and excited about what I had decided. After all, I have been trying to walk away since November 2009.
My mother who at times is tactless, when the chips are down comes in and is just beautiful. Got a few emails with lovely words, basically saying put yourself first. Ron (Jo's husband) did comment that my heart was too big, being a bit selfish doesn't hurt. My mother is ALWAYS going on about her two favorite sayings which are:-
  • Things happen for a reason
  • You are the master of your own destiny

Now normally when she says this I just roll my eyes, but she is right and these two sayings just said it all for me. I can leave things like they are and nothing changes. Irrelevant about whether we are talking about my heart or weight loss, if we leave things the way they are and don't change things whether eating or environment or toxic people, then nothing will change.

So, I feel somewhat cleansed, I know that focusing on the gym, WW, work, friends and family I can keep myself amused. I have loads of friends so will just get out and take charge.
To top off an emotional week, Thursday when everything was thrown at me, I am on facebook and on the right hand corner there is a section where they bring up people you might know. Anyway, "the one that got away" or the one that I think was my soul mate popped up, I sent a friend request and thought, if you want this feeling - then walk from Michael.
So basically this week has been high and low, but is bloody excellent and thumbs up for me is that I didnt emotionally eat, Thursday night I wanted a Big Mac, large fries, large vanilla shake and sundae from McDonalds or a whole pizza, but instead had a few almonds and talked myself out of it. If I can deal with an highly emotional week like this week and not gain or eat, aren't I just a superstar.
This week is a little busy, not a bad thing. Will try and get to the gym at 7am, go to the library and return some books, grocery shop and want to try some new recipes with Sunday off to the pub or some cafe with Joey - yes another Jo !
I am going to try and go back to bed and sleep ! The dog is fast asleep and looking mega cute, he needs to be woken for a cuddle with his Mum !!!

Thursday, April 8, 2010

This is what has happened !

Well, it is 1.55am in the morning, I can't sleep - what is new ! Therefore an ideal time to get this blog updated and my thoughts down on paper. So much has happened emotionally etc, normally highly emotional times are just before my Birthday in August but this year it is very much earlier. Now where to start, weight I suppose. Well, there have been some in roads in that department. As I have weighed in twice at WW and not reported it, this is a good place to start.
Weight Watchers
Went to WW on 26/3/10 - my leader advised me that I was again due for a gain as my period was due (we track it on my card) and of course a bloody gain, drives me crazy and to be honest the road to weight loss has done my head in of late. I left the meeting quite despondent, I felt that I was on a treadmill and getting no where. So I tracked with the view to getting my leader to review my food intake and to make a big big effort to eat between meals - therefore eat more.
Anyway, I had to weigh in a day early as my weigh in day coincides with Good Friday - my period did not arrive until the weigh in day on the Thursday before Easter - therefore a week late and so I reluctantly went thinking bloody hell there is no way I will loose, my leader checked my tracker and it was an honest account, we discussed what I had done differently this week and really had made an effort to stop at 4.45pm and eat a snack.
My view on this was as hard as it is, it is like when you first start a weight loss program and initially have to eat breakfast, it is hard at first and then after a while you look forward to breakfast, same thing with my 4.45pm snack. I allocated this time because I leave work essentially around 5ish and then go to the gym most days during the week after work and it is adding some fuel to the body.
Anyway, got on those scales and a 1kg loss. So Martine ate more and lost ! Go figure, I know all the reasons why we need to eat regularly etc but really it does my head in, you would think less calories/points would equal more weight loss. I suppose a car doesn't run with no fuel in it. That weight loss gave me a little focus in that I had changed the routine and it worked. It is a long long journey that I am on, my leader though commented that I hadn't given up and was working towards what I wanted to achieve (69 kgs by the time I turn 50 - I am 47 this year).
I suppose I looked at it, that essentially the 26/3/10 weigh in had me at that fork in the road - one road was give up and just focus on the gym and try and maintain the weight - we know that isn't going to happen - or go the other road and keep up the fight. I choose to keep up the fight. I weigh in on Friday - this is the first weigh in after Easter - so will see, I think overall I was pretty good.
Well, I have started to get hot flushes, emotionally this has upset me - my view with menopause is the sooner it starts, the sooner it finishes.
With it carries a heavy heart, with menopause starting I now know that I will never have children. As someone that is so maternal and something I have desired my whole life, it is something I have to deal with. I still get upset seeing babies in pushes and fight back tears - but I am an aunt to 6 great people so I need to focus on that.
There is a bit of the woe is me - why didnt marriage and kids happen to me but that is the way the cards have been dealt, I just have to deal with it, saying that, my girlfriends are dealing with teenagers and that is horrible - lucky I don't have to deal with that and remind myself when they ring me upset.
(friend with benefits and more)
This part of my life as caused me so much grief since about November last year. Quick overview - friends with benefits (he is committment phobic) we are very close, get on very well and are more than friends with benefits - it is a term we place on it so he is not rattled by the word relationship. It is a strange one, he has been my rock for 14 years.
I have wanted committment, to be seen as a couple and as I am very social for him to attend some of my social functions - I know I mean a lot to him - after he sends a dozen expensively gift boxed roses for Valentines Day - what does that mean ? He does send flowers, so if I had received say lillies I wouldn't have thought anything but am I wrong in thinking red roses boxed is something else. Anyway, I had arranged for him to come to dinner with my friend and her overseas partner who was in Adelaide a while - it was arranged but no word from him on the day - I went by myself anyway the long and short of it is - I emailed him on 22/3/10 for his birthday - got a response etc but I haven't seen him or heard from him for quite a while, we speak every few days.
He has done what I wanted to do, break it off so that I can open the universe up to someone that wants to be with me in a committed relationship, for whatever reason it has naturally done it by itself. I am suprised how heart broken I am but am lucky my girlfriends have come to the party in their support and even though they are all busy with their partners have gone out their way to make time for me. One friend who I love for her honesty Jo J (one of the 5 friends I have called Jo) says maybe this is the universe pulling me in the direction I need to go - I do find comfort in that and agree. I know this is for the best, I know that but it is hard.
The gym is going well, it has been my saviour when things aren't going well - it helps me to fight off the depression I suffer from occasionally. I now look forward to going and am starting to get selfish with it. You see, I have always been the single one and have fitted in with friends only too willlingly around their kids and husband and normally we catch up during the week which suits them but I am now unless it is exceptional circumstances or people that I will never refuse (like Tania my diet buddy who when I see her am always inspired and just good company) I say I go to the gym, you can meet me for a coffee after (if coffee is what we are doing) or push them to meet me on the weekend.
Of course if there is something I really want to go to, I am happy to give up the gym but if just for a normal coffee then they can fit around me. I feel it is time to put myself first. A trainer at the gym that has been really good is leaving, I was lucky over Easter to meet a new trainer Ben - he is lovely and we had a chat. I am going to book in shortly for him to review my program and he is going to put me through my paces, he comes up to me now when I am doing cardio to check how much I can talk, if I talk too much I am not pushing myself. Of course I am increasing my levels etc but he wants me to focus on the distance - so doing that. I must admit I love the gym, it relaxes me and keeps me occupied (more to the point my mind busy).
I measured myself and although my meaurements have decreased overall I have lost 6 cm of each leg since November 2009 - that is great. I am pleased I am in the routine of it all, when Ben the trainer heard how little I slept he was impressed I still come.
Well Easter has been and gone (thank god) and I was good, had a breakfast on and a lunch on the Monday, it was quiet and did mope around home a bit too much but managed to get to the gym. Life is about to become exciting, have this feeling that all this emotional stuff is for a reason.
Martine xxx

Sunday, April 4, 2010

Off to the gym but will report in later today

So much has happened in my life in the last two weeks - the universe I am sure is telling me something. I am about to go to the gym at 8am this morning for my 50 min cardio and 40 minutes of weights. I need to write a long post so will do that today after I have got some housework done and some cooking done for the freezer. Hope everyone is having a good Easter, if you have indulged, enjoy it and don't feel guilty, my view is it is Easter and a little bit is okay. I ate chocolate and stuff on Friday and didn't feel guilty, I got back onto that horse on Saturday and am fine. My life these last two weeks has been so emotional but somehow theraputic - it has been filled with good and bad but will report on the dramas of it all and how I am going weight loss wise later today. Take care everyone