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Adelaide , South Australia, Australia
I am 49 and heading for 50. This is about me, the highs and lows and a lot of stuff re weight loss, so follow me and see wha I am up to !!

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Thursday, April 15, 2010

I felt like I was in the movie Casablanca

Well ladies, had the "chat" last night. Was so psyched yesterday when I had lunch with best friend Jo, got home and thought "oh dear", I just felt so sad. Anyway, Michael arrives looking so lovely and so upset, honestly !!!. I ended up writing what I must say was an outstandingly fabulous letter and heartfelt. It said what I couldn't say, he read it, said he understood and we both had tears in his eyes, I am a crier, I like to cry and am good at it, with Michael he normally doesn't. That said it all. We talked for a while, he tried to explain to me why he can't commit which has nothing to do with the feelings he has for me, that when he is in a relationship that has commitment he is basically sweating, anxious and nervous like a first date. I am sure there is a psychological component to it.
I didn't want to walk, I found it hard and for once in my life I do need to focus on me. He was lovely, he wishes it was different but understood. My fear was and is that the friendship would be terminated. Obviously I can't see him for the near future but the hope is that we can go to our favorite dinner every few months for a catch up, on neutral ground. Going separate ways is not because we argue, so i found it heartbreakingly sad.
I am lucky my friends have just been outstanding and online friends who I am just so so touched bothered to email me at home, words can't express how deeply I appreciate that. We hugged, he looked at me and I looked at him and the attraction was there, he said good bye so I walked him to the car, gave him a kiss and we stared at each other, it reminded me of the end of Casablanca.
Today I just feel sad, I know that this is right for me and time is the only thing that is going to help.
With the eating, now this is an occasion to binge eat, I didnt but ate some crackers and peanut butter instead of dinner so that was the extent of it. Pretty amazing stuff considering I am so upset.
I suppose it is my turn to focus on me.
Weigh in tomorrow night, I am sure I will gain, I don't feel I have lost as I haven't exercised but one thing I have learned is that you can never tell. Went to the physio for treatment for my back, a great big blonde spunk was my physio, he asked me to take of my shirt, I was mortified. Anyway, he worked his magic and it bloody hurt and I am now taped up with exercises to do, plus I need to see him on Tuesday. The back is sore and haven't been able to exercise. Anyway, will report after my weigh in tomorrow - who knows that will happen. I am hoping that after all this emotional stuff that things get better, I sent my mother some flowers today as she has been wonderful through the Michael thing, she rang this morning crying - so that is just nice. I think you need to tell people how much you care and I do that. Anyway, have fun with what you are doing. I am up to the shops tonight to find an exciting present for nephew Oliver who is aged 7 !!! Martine xxxx

8 comments:

kazz said...

yes yes focus on YOU! Looking forward to seeing you saturday nite


kazz =]

Suz said...

hey martine,

your post made me cry... :(

i wish you all the very best over the coming months, i am sure being able to focus solely on you will bring some amazing results.

*hugs*

Suz

Sarah said...

I've read your blog before but not commented. Had to now though because, like Suz, your post made me cry. I think so many of us have been where you are - I certainly have but your post brought back so many of those feelings.

Look after yourself, it sounds like you've got the right focus and motivation. I wish you every happiness.

Deb said...

I just want to reach through the computer and hug you for a variety of reasons - your strength, your ability to see your way through this situation with dignity, your kindness, and your sad heart. You are one hell of a woman!!

Hippygal said...

You have had the talk and like you said over time it will get better, thugh now it does not really feel like that. Now is the time to focus on you you you!!!!

Chris H said...

I'm glad that is behind you sweetie! I am sure you are doing the best thing for yourself.

Tania said...

Big hugs mate - you have a heart of gold and put people first so often, it's time to put yourself first now! It would be nice if things were different with Michael but you deserve to have someone in your life who can commit and now that can happen. Hope your back is better soon, see you tomorrow night.

kathie said...

Martine,

I have to admit I thought you might back out as it is such a hard thing to do ...but you didn't and do you know what makes me prouder....you didn't comfort eat....What a trooper you are.

what a beautiful thought sending your mum some flowers...you are right you have to let others know how you feel
I started sending my mother flowers on MY birthday after the birth of my first child, I think now she looks forward to :-)
Keep looking after you.