Well ladies, had the "chat" last night. Was so psyched yesterday when I had lunch with best friend Jo, got home and thought "oh dear", I just felt so sad. Anyway, Michael arrives looking so lovely and so upset, honestly !!!. I ended up writing what I must say was an outstandingly fabulous letter and heartfelt. It said what I couldn't say, he read it, said he understood and we both had tears in his eyes, I am a crier, I like to cry and am good at it, with Michael he normally doesn't. That said it all. We talked for a while, he tried to explain to me why he can't commit which has nothing to do with the feelings he has for me, that when he is in a relationship that has commitment he is basically sweating, anxious and nervous like a first date. I am sure there is a psychological component to it.
I didn't want to walk, I found it hard and for once in my life I do need to focus on me. He was lovely, he wishes it was different but understood. My fear was and is that the friendship would be terminated. Obviously I can't see him for the near future but the hope is that we can go to our favorite dinner every few months for a catch up, on neutral ground. Going separate ways is not because we argue, so i found it heartbreakingly sad.I am lucky my friends have just been outstanding and online friends who I am just so so touched bothered to email me at home, words can't express how deeply I appreciate that. We hugged, he looked at me and I looked at him and the attraction was there, he said good bye so I walked him to the car, gave him a kiss and we stared at each other, it reminded me of the end of Casablanca.
Today I just feel sad, I know that this is right for me and time is the only thing that is going to help.
With the eating, now this is an occasion to binge eat, I didnt but ate some crackers and peanut butter instead of dinner so that was the extent of it. Pretty amazing stuff considering I am so upset.I suppose it is my turn to focus on me.
Weigh in tomorrow night, I am sure I will gain, I don't feel I have lost as I haven't exercised but one thing I have learned is that you can never tell. Went to the physio for treatment for my back, a great big blonde spunk was my physio, he asked me to take of my shirt, I was mortified. Anyway, he worked his magic and it bloody hurt and I am now taped up with exercises to do, plus I need to see him on Tuesday. The back is sore and haven't been able to exercise. Anyway, will report after my weigh in tomorrow - who knows that will happen. I am hoping that after all this emotional stuff that things get better, I sent my mother some flowers today as she has been wonderful through the Michael thing, she rang this morning crying - so that is just nice. I think you need to tell people how much you care and I do that. Anyway, have fun with what you are doing. I am up to the shops tonight to find an exciting present for nephew Oliver who is aged 7 !!! Martine xxxx