Weigh in results and reasonably happy

Well, I finally got to my regular WW meeting. It had been some 3 weeks since I last went all because of the foot/stitches fiasco. As I had admitted in the last blog, I had eaten the wrong foods, mainly sugar related and accordingly I expected a bad result with a gain of 1kg to 2kg. Also with my period also due on the day of weigh in, I wasn’t expecting great things. To my surprise only a gain of 300 grams which is nothing really and with my period due I was surprised. So I was quite pleased with myself and the process of weighing in at my meeting is so motivating. So what I thought was a large hiccup is only a slight one and this is only my first gain.

Have had my weights program at the gym re-worked and quite different from my last one, so hopefully it works well.

I can’t find my measurements on my computer at home so going to have to start again but will put them at the back of my gym book.

Not much else to report really, all good and really I am happy to say back in the groove, gym tonight and home for a nice steak and vegies.

The focus this week is to track, exercise and drink my water, I am hoping for a reasonably good loss this week. Our leader has set us a challenge to lose 2kgs in the next four weeks – absolutely doeable.

I have a personal belief that it doesn't matter what you are doing, if you can try and be positive then positive things happen. Went today into my favourite shop TS14 as they are having an unbelievable sale, the sales assistant told me that I made her day, the fact I looked bright (wearing pink and pink patterned pashmina) and I always look happy. I told her that looks can be deceiving but I felt good that someone bothered to say something nice to me. Overall doing really well, I am realistic that weight loss takes time, effort and a good deal of mental strength, I am not worried how much I lose each week, as long as I lose.

Thank god I have tomorrow off

Well, tomorrow I am not at work as I have to madly run around and get a list of jobs done, tomorrow is my RDO - THANK GOD. Mum's 70th birthday celebrations are getting organised, I am halfway through my speech and once I get Dad's present for Mum or more to the point come up with a scathingly good present i should be feeling more settled. Have not got a WW meeting this week, which just bloody annoys me, so going to my normal one on Saturday - there will be a gain and with my period due it will be a double whammy but what is important is that I am desperate to go and get on those scales. Since my start at this meeting I haven't gained, so this is a first gain but I find the occasional gain is good, in that is makes you think. I must admit that everything will fall into place a little better once I am weighed. I am meeting a guy at the gym tomorrow at 7am for a re-working of my weights program, he is a little young but I will go with an open mind, next time I need my weights program reviewed, I may go for someone a little more experienced but certainly the weights program needs to be implemented. I woke up this morning with the world's best dog asleep near me with his paw on my arm, he brings such joy to my life and so he is going to the groomers on Saturday (he won't be impressed) and they will make him even more handsome than he already is. Anyway, not a lot to tell really - I am looking forward to Saturday when I get to weigh in, will have the new weights program and will track. I read a blog today of a lady in the USA (bitchcakes) and she got to goal, this woman is a unique woman and apparently when she got on those scales she cried when her goal weight arrived. Hers is a story of patience and persistence, she certainly didnt average 500 grams per week, but what is important is that she persevered. I suppose like her as she appreciates the road she has undergone, I suppose I am the same. Ideally I would like to be at goal weight in the next few years but as long as the scales are relatively kind and I am tracking, exercising and counting my points then I am happy with that. I suppose my theory is that, at least I am doing something. At least I am at the gym when I have had little or no sleep, I have drunk my water and attempted to eat my food and cut out the sugar. I know a lot of people that do no exercise. Overall, I am in a little spot where I want to hibinate a bit, this mainly is due to Winter but what is good is that it will allow me to spend some time getting back into my routine with food and the gym - now my foot is back to normal, although it is still giving me a bit of grief, I have to save for some orthotics - at present there are too many other bills to pay. Hope everyone is doing well, just try to be kind to yourself, don't put yourself under too much pressure. Martine xx

THIS IS WHERE I AM

Well since my last update, my parents have arrived back from their visit to Darwin and went home on Saturday. They wanted to spend Saturday morning with me, so consequently I didn’t get to WW which annoys me. I am yet to address my parents re the weight thing and WW and it something I need to do, so I haven’t been for a few weeks.

I haven’t been good, I confess to that, but what is good is that I am anxious to get back to my WW meetings and focus on what I need to do. I am planning to search the internet tonight to try and find a meeting I can weigh in, my period is due as well so it is a double whammy, but saying that I find the weigh in process great, either you have gained and it is a reminder to pull your head in, or it is a loss and it reminds you that you are doing the right thing.

The foot has healed, so that is bonus and the tenderness has gone, so I am pleased to say that I have been given the all clear to go back to the gym. Yes she cried ! Everything falls into place when I go to the gym.

I feel a bit out of routine, I don’t like that and am search at present for some cheap meals I can make this pay, there are just some weeks where there are more bills than what I get paid. The joy of it all.

Mentally I am doing fine, I know I have been eating wrong, i will cop it on the chin and it gets down to the sugar. Once you get a taste for it, the sugar takes hold, I am planning some high protein meals and that usually curbs those feelings pretty quickly as well as green tea. Now with the green tea I am not sure why but it works. So I am going to try and find a meeting tonight, face the music and then on Saturday work on getting a loss.

Luckily Tania and Tina are going to WW, so it is helpful we are doing it together. I need to speak to those girls about a challenge.

Masterchef is over for another year, in a way it is good because now I might be able to get some jobs done at home, that show is far too addictive, although I think it is great as it encourages cooking in the home. I must admit that cooking is my relaxing spot, a place where I am at peace and nothing gives me more pleasure in.

So there you are, overall the weekend was quite and sometimes you need a bit of quite time. Will report in on the gain tomorrow.

Finally and update ! I am slack I know

I know I have been missing in action, so much has happened I don’t quite know what to say, plus work is busy and that is normally when I post on my blog.

I simply need to organise my time better !!!

Firstly will do the personal stuff first, the weight stuff will be later.

Since my last post the good old depression has made a comeback. I must admit that going off the anti depressants worked for a while in conjunction with food and exercise, but so much has happened that I found that I was spending the weekends in bed asleep. I realised that I needed to be on them and stay on them. I think it is the shame of them that gets me, but really if I needed blood pressure tablets then I would take them etc. So have gone back on them and plan to stay back on them, quite frankly the put peace into my life and I also don’t walk around feeling sorry for myself.

Since my last post my Nana passed away, I was close to her and as Dad was an only child, she specifically wanted a private funeral. She went quickly over a two week period and I am thankful that at Christmas I had the “death talk” with her. My Nana had suffered with mental illness her whole life, I am thankful she is at peace now and I got to say to her how I feel. Although it does make you think about losing your own parents, a grandparent is hard enough and being single always makes this a lot harder to bear, hopefully mine are around for a while yet.

The friends with benefits situation is still off, Michael and I miss each other and speak occasionally, he misses me and I miss him but at the end of the day I deserve commitment and more. Just because things are good in the bedroom it doesn’t mean that I should hang around. I know I have made the right choice and need to open up the universe to someone that really wants to be with me and I deserve some one that is willing to try for my sake.

Two weeks ago, I stepped on a glass and ended up with blood everywhere, I had broken a glass and thought I picked it all up but didn’t have my glasses on. Anyway I stepped on the broken glass, blood absolutely everywhere, so drove myself down to the medical centre at the end of the street, had two needs in the foot which was horrific and then 5 stitches which were on the ball of my foot and as a consequence couldn’t wear a shoe except for an ugg boot to work. Not fun, the needle they gave me really hurt, normally I am quite good with needles. The stitches came out on Thursday and the wound area was quite tender, but it is improving and I anticipate being able to go back to the gym at the end of the week. The doctor wanted me to keep off it a bit.

With the gym it has been two steps forward and one step back. I was in a great routine and the foot thing happened, it seems like at the present time it is my back, going away, death etc that is stopping me. I am going to pray that nothing else happens.

Now with the weight. As you knew I was going to WW Lifestyle Centres, love my leader but the time and day were not working with work and as I work in a busy law firm, I don’t always get out at lunch.

I decided to go back to meeting, I found I needed the support. So I went back and decided that it was the right decision. I for one am a huge believer in WW, I think the program works if you stick with it and it does have the flexibility of being able to fit into my life. So far 3.3 kgs off, that is, with going away to Melbourne. I have not been for 2 weeks due the foot and have to admit my eating is appalling. This is what happens when I don’t exercise. I find that when I exercise the focus is on the exercise and the food seems to fall into place.

I am happy with my decision to go back, I think it is right for me.

Saturdays are always busy but I find that 9am on a Saturday morning is good.

Although when I go this Saturday I will gain I am confident that I am fairly relaxed about the whole thing. I realise now that joining the gym in November was the best thing I could have done. I realised that walking wasn't enough and how far I could push myself at the gym. Anyway, I am hoping next week I am back to my routine. Once I exercise the focus does go on that and I am more relaxed with the eating.

Brought a new journal to start tracking my food and thoughts and notes in it, although I like the practice of online tracking, as well it is good to make some notes on feelings, achievements etc and look back on it.

My dear friends Tania and Tina re-joined WW on Tuesday. The three of us have joined multiple times before but are sympathetic and understanding to each other, I am quite excited these beautiful girls are recommencing WW. Together we have a great support system in place. I will go to WW on Saturday morning, expecting a large gain – I simply have overloaded with sugar. Although the key to curbing this craving is increasing the protein.

Therefore, on Saturday all things hopefully will be back to normal, the foot although tender has healed and the wound is hardening up so able to go to the gym. The plan is WW on Saturday, a session at the gym and home to work out the weekly food intake.

So this is about where I have been. My emails are home have not been looked at for a while, so those wonderful girls that have emailed me, I plan to spend Saturday night sorting, replying to the emails.

It gives me great comfort that I have so many wonderful people that read my blog and that bother to email me. I promise to update my blog daily and response to emails. I suppose the wonder of antidepressants is that they make my life a happier place, thankfully they have kicked in and I am much more in control.

I know I have been missing in action

I promise to update date my blog tonight. It has all been happening so will report in tonight.

Where did the weekend go

Hopefully all the mothers that read this blog had a great Mother's Day. I did remind Vince the wonderdog that I was a mother, even if it is to a little dog that is as cute as a button. It is always a hard day as it reminds me that I won't experience motherhood, there are worse things. Maybe I had a mountain of children in a past life. All things WW going well. I have been meticulous in my tracking and food, if I have been out have got copies of the menu and all good, the scales this morning have gone down. I do find the weighing every few days beneficial, particularly when the week is either very good or very bad - it does inspire. Vince has a vet appointment tonight for his needles, I may or may not get to the gym but we will go for a walk. Made a wonderful spicy red lentil soup which is low in points and divine, today made a Vietnamese Chicken Salad with a lovely dressing of brown sugar, soy, lime and fish sauce. I do get bored easily with my food. So all going well, focused on what needs to be done, my heel is still horrendously sore, mainly when I am sitting down or lying down in bed and get up - hopefully the podiatrist can sort the matter out for me. Gym tomorrow night so will work on the rower, it was harder than I thought it would be. Have a good day. Martine

There is always someone worse off than yourself !

Yesterday I bumped into a lady who had just lost her 46 year old husband, he died whilst riding his pushbike to get exercise, she works in a law firm like me. I went up to her and offered my condolences and noticed she was wearing his wedding ring on a chain around her neck - today is his birthday. We chatted for a while and I told her the lovely comments I had heard from people about her husband and how happily married they were. She said she just cries all the time, I can't stop thinking about her and how we all complain about the small things in life that aren't important and there are people in a worse situation. My grandmother is in a bad way, we are just waiting for the call, luckily for me when I saw her last (she lives in Broken Hill) we had the chat about death, but I am very upset and didnt turn to food when I wanted to. Work has been stressful and I am frantic so I am not happy about that, we have 2 large family law matters on. I have nibbled on the lollie jar on one of the solicitor's desk a bit. Now the back is sorted out and lo and behold and much to my absolute frustration I now have foot problems, the heel is causing me grief. It is either a heel spur or plantar fasciatis. I have an appt on 17/5/10 with a podiatrist so at the gym the treadmill is not happening. I can do 10 minutes on it but no more, so the positive out of all of this is now I am on the rower, don't like it and find it hard but am determined to build up to 15 minutes. Once the foot is right I intend to do 15 minutes on each Bike, X-Trainer, Treadmill and Rower, now the time is sorted out and keep building up the levels and intensity. I must admit to being a bit irritable by not being at the gym and as I have said numerous times before, the fact is, the gym keeps me focused and calm. So the 2 weeks off not going to the gym due to the back has been a good experience. I have at least got the iphone organised and the ipod downloaded with Hamish and Andy and Jillian Michaels, please post comments of any other good podcasts you know. I listen to a lot of music and so find at the gym prefer a podcast. Went to my WI on Friday, missed the previous week due to work committments. I chose to not weight, quite frankly I couldn't deal with a gain. Lucikly my leader Di (who has the patience of saint) understood. I noted on the WW website under meetings that this was noted on Di's meeting (Brighton on a Saturday morning plus she does WW at Myer Lifestyle).

Di who runs our meeting is one of our most motivating and influential Leaders who currently holds Diamond Leader status

So it is good to know I am in good hands. The plan this week is to just committ 100% with every spare opportunity to exercise, the more exercise I do the more calm and focused I am. Without the exercise I find that I am too obsessive with Weight Watchers and over analyise it all, with the gym, Weight Watchers is really secondary (of course I track, plan etc) but concentrate on getting my exercise in etc and the bonus points that go with it - doing this seems to work. I am determined by my birthday to make more progress than I have done previously and am determined to get off my ass and do it.

Today Vince the wonderdog and the absolute love of my life is at the groomers and being given the once over, wash, blowdry, nails done - it is impossible for him to look any better than he already is. Obviously, he is a surrogate child.

So today I woke up, I thought right, get down to it. Focus on what you want to achieve and put your heart and soul into it. Time to stop fluffing around.

Last weekend I caught up with Tania, Tina and Kazz, we went for a walk and down to Semaphore, Kazz has a heart rate monitor and so I am determined to investigate and find out a good one to buy, I think this is the next step in the weight loss journey.

Must go, the washing is about to finish and the house is a mess, I need to get in and clean plus cook some meals. Love to you all !! Martine xx

1.9 and a problem solved

Well after the fiasco of last week and the bloody (could use a stronger word here !) gain of 2.2 I had focused on the week with all I had, of course with the back situation exercise was out of the equation but saying that my home scales had shown a good loss.

I went to my weigh in, full of trepidation. My leader Di who had a been away last week saw my card and quizzed the girls on how I had gone. So on Friday explained the situation and my non scale victories of not eating when emotional which is a huge thing. Anyway, I asked her if I could immediately get on the scales and low and behold 1.9 loss. It turns out she had the answer to my question, another reason why WW lifestyle works so well for me. The anti-inflammatories I had been taking for my back had obviously had an effect, I didnt think of that. The loss is without exercise and I was estatic.

I still cant get to 4 losses in a row, but I am damn well going to try. My leader and I had a great discussion and I told her that not going to WW is not an option for me, I want to get to goal through the WW Lifestyle Centres and I am damn well going to do it hell or high water. Somehow the stress of the last week has turned from sorrow to focus and determination. I think my leader was impressed that I had told her quitting is not an option and I really mean it.

One of the major things that has happened with this weight loss journey and more importantly the gym is that i have now reduced my anti-depressant medication to a point where I don't need it. Exercise has done the job. My parents are down and somehow this was mentioned, my mother said " I am very very proud of you, you have done what I can't do" - that meant so much but more the point is that I did this myself.

I have just come home from a 70th birthday party with my parents, all finger food and probably ate a bit more than I should but only had yoghurt for lunch so I think my points are pretty safe for the day.

So Friday, my boss tells me that I can leave early, so finished up at 1pm but I did have to go to the physio and then WW and then coupled with a great great loss for me things are looking up. I am focusing on just getting my 10% which is a bit of a way of but achievable.

Overall, I am feeling pretty good about myself in that I have kept focus despite the universe throwing things my way.

Weigh in tomorrow

Just a quick post. This week has seen me track, track and track. Obviously those on WW know the importance of tracking but I am trying to ascertain why I gained so much last week. This week the scales have kept going down and so far this week a loss of 2.3 (but there is a difference in weighing in the morning compared to evening) but even so I am very happy. I don't know why though that it was such a large gain, obviously the body was reacting to the major stress I had in my life. Mum and Dad arrive today so that will be nice to have some company. Off to the physio tomorrow and I am hoping everything goes okay and back to the gym which I have missed as I want to focus on my interval training in earnest. Despite all the dramas of a few weeks ago, I am proud of how I am mentally handling things, have been pro-active in getting out and making the first call about a lunch etc with the girls. I suppose I need to acknowledge to myself that despite what is said and done I have managed to keep focused on my gym and food intake despite being emotionally overwrought and perservering with WW despite the lack of progress on the scales. I think I am in a really good spot at present.

The scales are moving (thank god) !

Well, not a lot to report, but it is nice to sit down whilst the office is quiet and put my thoughts down, it is therapeutic to write on this blog. Yesterday was another good eating day, although I didnt eat enough for dinner and was starving, so just tried to focus on something else. Got on the scales this morning and they are certainly moving in a downwards movement, so pleased to say that this week (as at today) 2.3 lost, although I do weight at 5.2opm on a Friday so the weighing has helped me keep on track, it gives me food for thought that the stupid gain of last week is perhaps fluid after all. I am focusing on keeping my food, water and tracking 100% perfect, the exercise hasn't happened because of the back which is still a bit tender but hoping to get to the gym tonight. Work is busy which is good. Emotionally I am quite chuffed with myself, last week as you and the whole world knows was an absolute shocker in all aspects, I coped with it reasonably well (despite the scales saying otherwise) and as at today am focusing on me and just trying not to let the things I can't control upset me. My parents arrive on Friday, so that will be good. Tonight going to have an omelette for dinner, something easy and a bit of salad, want to make a Risotto for the freezer as those freezer meals are handy when I have a double session at the gym (that is both cardio and weights). After talking to Kazz on the weekend, I am definitely going to get a heart rate monitor. I think it is going to be beneficial in monitoring how many calories I burn and monitoring my heart rate and seeing how much I am improving. I certainly need a new pair of runner for the gym, but that is all money so will do that when I have some. Anyway, have a lovely day, hopefully everyone is doing well and if they aren't, remember your are not alone ! Martine xx

Doing well

Above is a photo taken on Saturday night with the WW girls, all of which basically have meet online. Front row: Me, Dee (Dazeydee), Tina Back row: Sharon, Tania, Jo and Kazz

The weekend was good, eating spot on and got on the scales this morning and dropped 1.6 kgs, so here is hoping the rest of the week continues the same way, although I weight at night, the weighing at home gives me an indication of how I am going. I am not going to the gym tonight, I want to make sure my back is okay, it still feels tight and I think I don't want to risk hurting it. Hopefully tomorrow after physio I get the all clear. Have a sense of clarity today, got into work and got an email from 2 darling friends, one the best friend with an invite from her husband to come over Friday night for a drink and watch the footy and second from the partner of a friend who lives in the USA. The USA friend gave me some words of wisdom and reinforced why my decision to walk from Michael is the best for me. I certainly am going to try and just focus on me at present. I am determined to have a good weight loss this week, after all, if I stick to it to the letter then there has to be a loss. I had someone comment on my loss this week, although the scales don't reflect my good work I do think I am changing shape. Anyway, not a lot happening really to report about. I suppose going out on Saturday night and seeing others having problems makes me realise I am not alone, one girl who wasn't in the photo had perservered for 12 months so I think I am perhaps too hard on myself. Others have left WW to go their own way and very very successfully, for me I know this is the path I need to go down but am now conscious of nutrition and trying to have clean food and nothing with too much sodium in it. I have brought some lovely paper to print my food trackers on, I am going to keep them in a folder, when I am struggling I can have the same food from a tracker whereby I have had a good loss. Hope everyone else is doing okay. Take care martine xxx

Feeling a lot better

Since my dinner with the WW girls last night I am feeling somewhat better. My back has much improved and my foot is not too bad so back to the gym tomorrow night, Yay I have missed it.

I am doing housework and cooking today, doing the dishes and I have accidently washed my relatively new WW points calculator, so that isn't good. Vince the wonderdog is a sleep and I am sitting down to put in my tracker my food for the day and work out a rough menu for this week.

Just being with some great powerful women last night helped, a few of them were struggling themselves so it was a great benefit, others (Kazz I am talking about you) are really in the groove and doing well, I got the benefit of her wisdom and was told "We are not defined by the scales". I do know my meaurements have gone down, it all has to catch up at some point.

Day 2 today, I have printed off my food menus for Di my leader to view, I won't lose that 2.2 kgs I gained but onwards and upwards. Giving up is not on the agenda.

Mum and Dad arrive on the weekend so that is going to be nice, hopefully my beautiful Dad will paint the lounge room. Watched the first half of biggest loser, just sobbed. I always do.

So who will win the finale - my hopes are on Shannon, Joe or Lisa. I would love Lisa to win becuase she is female but my heart is with Shannon, for a person on day 1 that couldn't walk hardly at all, it is an acomplishment that he is so happy. Although Biggest Loser is in a controlled environment we can still learn that with effort our exercise can increase, how mentally we are happy and stronger with the weight off.

One day at a time, that is all I can do. Must go and do that bloody ironing, it is not going to do itself. Martine xxx

Just come home from a lovely dinner

I have just come home from a lovely dinner with the Weight Watchers girls. All at various stages, some left WW and doing their own thing much more successfully, others at goal and 1 a leader and others struggling a bit like me, so I feel much more in control. It was a lovely night and we chatted and just enjoyed each other's company.

I came home feeling much better and like the others, at least I am trying and not giving up on the whole WW thing.

Had a great meal, ordered steak as I don't cook it at home much myself, planned and tracked and included 2 glasses of my favourite expensive wine "Rockford Alicante Bouchet" and dead on 23 points, quite easy.

Various opinions on my weight gain - the emotional stress, fluid etc but I am now fine with it.

Tomorrow will try and go for a walk or back at the gym but want to see how my back is, it has improved today but still tender so Vince the wonderdog may just get a walk.

In the PJ's and about to put my food in the tracker and off to bed. Feel much better for having such lovely ladies in my life, the power of friendship is a great thing.

Tomorrow now the back is improved must get into the housework. I am aiming as well for 3 mornings next week to go to the gym before work, I hate mornings but can do this.

Report in tomorrow.

Martine

It is official, this was the worst week ever

Well, as you know this week has been a shocker, just went I thought the worst of it was over, there you go -another lot of stuff for me to deal with. Went to WW and had a good week, was full of praise for myself that I didnt eat through the crisis. The scales weren't so full of praise. A GAIN OF 2.2 KG..................(Insert swear word here!). There you go.......... I have made no progress now for a while with WW, ideally the answer is to walk, but I am determined to focus on what WW brings to my world, I do believe in the program and like the one on one aspect I get from WW Lifestyle programs. So, it is bloody well on, I am going to live and breathe exercise for the next 3 months and if I can't shift at least 6 kilos then I am walking...... Plus my brother and sister in law, invited all the family (mine live interstate) out for Nephew's birthday, so that is her family and I wasn't invited, the only one not to attend, was devastated so had to go up this morning when I know they all went back to my brother's place after dinner out to celebrate. Okay, so it has been a shocker of a week, I am very fragile and going out with the WW girls from Adelaide, all of which have had huge losses. I have to sit there and deal with it. Now, I can do this, just becuase it is a tough week, I can't have a defeatist attitude...... I will report in tomorrow, just wanted to keep you appraised of the situation. Okay so I haven't made progress with the weight department, time to put 250% in and if I can't manage to lose putting my heart and soul, more than I already do, maybe I am destined for this weight. The joys of it all....

I felt like I was in the movie Casablanca

Well ladies, had the "chat" last night. Was so psyched yesterday when I had lunch with best friend Jo, got home and thought "oh dear", I just felt so sad. Anyway, Michael arrives looking so lovely and so upset, honestly !!!. I ended up writing what I must say was an outstandingly fabulous letter and heartfelt. It said what I couldn't say, he read it, said he understood and we both had tears in his eyes, I am a crier, I like to cry and am good at it, with Michael he normally doesn't. That said it all. We talked for a while, he tried to explain to me why he can't commit which has nothing to do with the feelings he has for me, that when he is in a relationship that has commitment he is basically sweating, anxious and nervous like a first date. I am sure there is a psychological component to it.

I didn't want to walk, I found it hard and for once in my life I do need to focus on me. He was lovely, he wishes it was different but understood. My fear was and is that the friendship would be terminated. Obviously I can't see him for the near future but the hope is that we can go to our favorite dinner every few months for a catch up, on neutral ground. Going separate ways is not because we argue, so i found it heartbreakingly sad.

I am lucky my friends have just been outstanding and online friends who I am just so so touched bothered to email me at home, words can't express how deeply I appreciate that. We hugged, he looked at me and I looked at him and the attraction was there, he said good bye so I walked him to the car, gave him a kiss and we stared at each other, it reminded me of the end of Casablanca.

Today I just feel sad, I know that this is right for me and time is the only thing that is going to help.

With the eating, now this is an occasion to binge eat, I didnt but ate some crackers and peanut butter instead of dinner so that was the extent of it. Pretty amazing stuff considering I am so upset.

I suppose it is my turn to focus on me.

Weigh in tomorrow night, I am sure I will gain, I don't feel I have lost as I haven't exercised but one thing I have learned is that you can never tell. Went to the physio for treatment for my back, a great big blonde spunk was my physio, he asked me to take of my shirt, I was mortified. Anyway, he worked his magic and it bloody hurt and I am now taped up with exercises to do, plus I need to see him on Tuesday. The back is sore and haven't been able to exercise. Anyway, will report after my weigh in tomorrow - who knows that will happen. I am hoping that after all this emotional stuff that things get better, I sent my mother some flowers today as she has been wonderful through the Michael thing, she rang this morning crying - so that is just nice. I think you need to tell people how much you care and I do that. Anyway, have fun with what you are doing. I am up to the shops tonight to find an exciting present for nephew Oliver who is aged 7 !!! Martine xxxx

Today is the day for the "chat"

Well it is Wednesday - hump day ! My back is still sore and driving me crazy, all from picking a towel off the floor. Goes in and out at a touch of a hat, so probably need to go off to the physio tomorrow. For the first time in a long while, woke in the middle of the night and ate - I am normally awake due to the insomnia but got into the cheese and crackers ! Obviously I have Michael on my mind and ate. Today is the day that I have my "chat" with Michael, it is with a great deal of sadness I do this as at the end of the day we get on fabulously and it is not because we don't get on or we are arguing a lot - it simply he is phobic (yes phobic !) about commitment. The letter is done and I need to tweak it a bit today, I may even just give him the letter to read instead of speaking. I am an emotional person really, but am quite calm about all of this. I suppose I think it is the universe pulling me in another direction and as I know this is what I am to do in order to meet someone else then I suppose I do feel a weight has been lifted off my mind. As the back has been sore I haven't been to the gym, I have missed it. Next week i am going to try the interval training program on the cross trainer and treadmill. I think for my birthday I may ask for a Polar Heart Rate Monitor. Anyway, not much else to report. Food this week has been so so - not particularly bad but I could improve. Anyway, will report in tomorrow.

Martine xxx

The fun keeps coming !

Well Monday morning again, where did that weekend go. When things are not the best it seems like you are a magnet for bad stuff happening. Sunday was going out to lunch with a friend, was drying my hair and picked up a towel of the floor and have done my back in, I am currently walking at an angle, I can sit okay but when I stand it is difficult - just bloody brilliant, so nothing got done Sunday afternoon, had big plans for cooking and freezing stuff and making a new couscous recipe for lunch this week. Oh well ! Whilst laying on the lounge and watching Susan Boyle who I absolutely adore as she reminds me what is wrong with the world, the fact people judge you by what you look like and not what you are like inside, anyway enough of Susan Boyle, I could chat for hours about her. Anyway, the phone rings, it is Michael all very quiet and had a chat, he rang to see if I had made a decision (ie continue the way it is or I leave because I need commitment). You see, I am probably the worlds most patient person with things like this, he asked if I wanted to talk about it now (he asked me last Thursday to think about it for a week). I was a bit miffed - I replied no - I will do it when I am ready plus I won't do it on the phone, did tell him about the back. The long and short of it is I am chatting with him on Wednesday to advise I need to walk - it is so sad when we both obviously care for each other and not parting because we don't get on - just his phobia about committment. Anyway, Wednesday is the day and I intend on writing a letter to him, there are some things I will forget to say. I believe this is a hard thing for me but if I need to move forward, then I need to do this. It is interesting on people's perception of things - most if not nearly all of my friends have been supporting and have agreed, I had a friend yesterday say it isn't it better to have someone you see occasionally than no one !! NO I DESERVE BETTER!!! That would make me a door mat. The eating on the weekend was so so and so really I plan to focus this week. Brought a couple of packets of bar things (nut bars etc) and ate both of them on Saturday night. This is something that I really need to work on, being able to control foods in the house. I won't be at the gym tonight but hopefully the back is better tomorrow so I can go, as Wednesday I obviously will not be going. Anyway, life has been interesting, I sincerely believe this is the beginning of good things, at WW on Friday night they commented on how stylish etc I looked. I must admit to taking extreme care of my appearance, being larger I think personally I try that little bit harder, so thought yes I need to keep feeling good about myself when Michael isn't around, so today have some great fishnet tights on with my work suit, a beautiful bright lipstick and immaculate hair. Anyway, so the emotions keep coming but this is good, this is the next stage in my life and I am so damn proud of myself, I know that this is hard but it is how you deal with it that shows your strength as a person. The same thing with Weight Watchers, anyone else would have given up a while ago as it was too hard- I am facing my fear. I am lucky I have a few things organised in the next week or so to keep my mind and sorrow over Michael at bay. Friday night is nephew Oliver the wonderful's 7th birthday, Saturday is dinner at the British Hotel with the Weight Watchers Adelaide girls, the following weekend Mum and Dad are down and the weekend after another batch of WW girls (Kazz, Tania and Tina) for lunch and a walk. Thanks to everyone that has supported me, I love the fact that I have these powerful and compassionate women that write and comment on my blog when in fact they are strangers but aren't. I do love you all. So the focus in 14/8/10 - Mum's 70th, I plan to lost 6kgs by then and look dynamic when i go home - man or no man.

I am home on Saturday cleaning the kitchen !

The title says it all, here I am at home on a Saturday night, drinking a bottle of water, having eaten a pita bread pizza I made and cleaning the kitchen - how bloody exciting ! Well, the good news is even doing this I am not feeling too bad, I am reminding myself this is the start of a new phase of my life. You know when things are bad, you know who in your life counts. The absolutely joy of girlfriends is something I just treasure, they have come to the party, supporting me, listened to me and given advice. Today was busier than expected, didnt get the gym at 7am, couldn't sleep last night so was awake till the early hours, so slept in. Went to the library for a supply of books to read, up to Marion Shopping Centre for a pair of jeans - luckily found a pair at My Size and a straight leg cut which now suits more than the bootleg (maybe it is the 6 cm of each leg lost that does it !) Brought some hair gadgets (clips etc) and home for a sleep and then got my groceries, which I just cringe about how expensive everything is. Mum rang tonight, finally we have been able to chat about the Michael thing, at times she can be downright tactless but when the chips are down she is a superstar and so I told her the whole sorry saga and then got a little email saying she enjoyed our talk. Tomorrow have a lunch at the Robin Hood Hotel with Joey, so that will be nice to get out. Then home to make a couscous, lemon and chicken salad for work, hopefully the WW recipe is delicious and will post it on the website tomorrow night. Not a lot to say, it looks like the gym is not going to happen tomorrow but in reality I am doing well in that department. I have been told to put myself first, and plan to do that. I haven't turned to food and that is just great and an achievement in itself. May just get out a bathbomb and have a nice relaxing bath and listen to a CD or two. Martine xx